i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
