We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
