okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
