I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
