Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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