You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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