"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
