You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
