dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
So gin and wine won't be happening again
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
