so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
