Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
