if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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