Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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