I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
