Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
