That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
