The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
