i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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