shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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