I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
