My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
