just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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