you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
