you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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