i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Randomize
