My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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