oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
