This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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