i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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