Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
