Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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