Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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