somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter