What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
