you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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