i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
