I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
