I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
