I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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