Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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