i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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