I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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