Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
