you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
