I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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