I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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