I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
