You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
