Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
