I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
