No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
