I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
