I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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