Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
