Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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