Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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