I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
